Solo In Mexico: Healing, Womanhood, and Finding Myself
I can’t believe I haven’t done more solo trips before. Out of all my travels, Mexico has been one of those trips that I felt really transformed me and I can actually feel everything in my body still.
There were so many reasons not to go. I’ve never been to Mexico before. I haven’t traveled so long and so far away, alone, in over a decade. Add in my social anxiety and awkwardness with the thought that I have to live with strangers and teachers I admire in one house. And don’t get me started about worrying about leaving my kids for over a week. I had to sit down and do a pretty thorough family meeting and make sure everyone knows what’s happening while I’m away.
But at the end of the day, my adventurous soul, quiet as it can be, kept on whispering that the road less traveled is waiting for me.
So I went.
And the rewards were great.
Beyond what I could imagine.
My everyday has been so different since then.
I learned so much from incredible mentors and fellow female photographers - their life stories bringing me to tears and showing me that you can alchemize pain and tragedy into magic. And there was so much kindness and acceptance and I felt I could actually let go and be myself without judgment.
Truthtelling and Truthseeking
We shot at beautiful hidden places, long stretches of golden beaches, in the middle of the vibrant town of San Pancho, capturing all these connected people who bravely showed their love unabashedly in front of our big group of 20 photographers.
I learned how to wield my camera in all kinds of light, weaving in and out of people’s legs and arms to get my shots, learning to use my voice and making space for others.
I learned how to listen to myself, to do my art for me, to find sparks of creativity in everything else around me. I learned how beauty is in the simple things, that I am not just a storyteller but a truthteller.
I experienced my first Temazcal ceremony and it was so spiritual for me, taking me through the four phases of life accompanied by otherworldly singing, drumming and chanting. I’ve never heard anything like that before. Amidst the almost unbearable steam and the safety of complete darkness, I curled myself into a ball on the floor while my mind zoomed in to my intentions and forgotten memories that I held in my gut. Buckets of my own sweat and streaks of mud all over my body washed over me as waves of my own self-forgiveness.
A silent tea ceremony taught me to sit with my own thoughts for a very long time. When it felt like it was almost too long, I focused on drinking my delicious tea and sat in stillness, watching the precise, flowing movements of the one serving us. What a gift it is, just to notice.
Womanhood and Myself
I bonded with women whom I will forever remember just as they were during this special time together. We weren’t anyone else but us. Worry-free. Inspired. Open. We basked under the sun. We talked and laughed. And oh how we shared! We played this incredibly funny game that one of them made up on their flight over and let me tell you - I have never laughed so much in my life. (Once it gets patented, I will share it with you all.)
It was so therapeutic. Just to be me. Not a mom, not a wife, and in many ways not even a photographer.
Just me.
Taking it all in. Conversations. Confessions. Solo walks on the beach. Strolling through the streets. Eating really good guacamole. Touching the flowers and leaves. Burying my toes in the sand. Stories and manifestations about raccoons and 1 bat (of all things). Tinctures and feminine yoga. Doing lion’s breaths without caring how I looked. Flying through acroyoga and trusting the one who was lifting me. Laughing by the pool. The warmest of hugs. Uncomfortable van rides. Posing in front of the camera and leaning into my own femininity. Learning from the women who can walk around naked with so much self-love for their beautiful bodies. Listening and feeling. Talking about old and new souls meeting in this lifetime. Learning how other people see me and not shying away from it. Looking at someone else’s eyes, holding that gaze for three minutes and walking away like I’ve seen so much.
I went to Mexico to learn about photography.
I went home being fully myself.
Unapologetically. Lovingly. Creatively.
